How to say no

source: How to say no | Psyche Guides

🗒️我的笔记

伊索寓言

• In one of Aesop’s fables, a man and his son want to sell their donkey. Along the way, they encounter a number of people who criticise how they are walking the donkey to the market. Travellers mock them for not riding the donkey, merchants chastise the son for not allowing his older father to ride alone, and another group expresses sympathy for the donkey: ‘They look more able to carry the poor creature, than he to carry them,’ they say.

  在伊索寓言中，一个人和他的儿子想卖掉他们的驴。一路上，他们遇到了一些批评他们牵着毛驴去市场的人。旅行者嘲笑他们不骑驴，商人惩罚儿子不让年长的父亲单独骑车，还有一群人对驴表示同情：“他们看起来比他更能驮这可怜的动物。”他们说。

• Adjusting their behaviour for each critique, the man and son switch to carrying the donkey by stringing him to a pole. The donkey breaks free and tumbles into a river. ‘By trying to please everybody, he had pleased nobody, and lost his Ass besides,’ the story concludes. Even if walking a donkey to market is not relatable, the moral certainly is: ‘If you try to please all, you please none.’

  男人和儿子根据每次批评调整自己的行为，然后把驴子挂在一根柱子上。驴子挣脱了束缚，掉进了河里。故事的结论是：“他试图取悦所有人，结果却没有取悦任何人，而且还失去了他的屁股。”即使牵着驴子去市场并不让人产生共鸣，但其中的寓意肯定是：“如果你试图取悦所有人，那么你就不会取悦任何人。” 取悦他人也与文化或社会期望有关

• Your tendencies probably come from a good place. Research has shown that people-pleasing is often found in those who place immense value on creating and maintaining social relations. It’s related to a personality trait called sociotropy, says Toru Sato, a psychologist at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania. Sociotropy is the preoccupation with making others happy and preserving social harmony.

  你的倾向可能来自一个好地方。研究表明，那些非常重视建立和维持社会关系的人往往会取悦他人。宾夕法尼亚州希彭斯堡大学的心理学家佐藤彻表示，这与一种称为社会倾向的人格特质有关。向社会性是指关注使他人快乐和维护社会和谐。

• People-pleasing is also linked with cultural or societal expectations, says Asnea Tariq, a postdoctoral research assistant at the University of Reading. In some environments, there is strong emphasis on being accommodating and self-sacrificing, and you might be more subject to those pressures than others depending on your age, gender or position relative to those around you.

  雷丁大学博士后研究助理阿斯内亚·塔里克 (Asnea Tariq) 表示，取悦他人也与文化或社会期望有关。在某些环境中，人们非常强调包容和自我牺牲，根据您的年龄、性别或相对于周围人的地位，您可能比其他人更容易受到这些压力。

Use ‘I don’t’ rather than ‘I can’t’

• When you’re ready to say no, be specific about your language. Framing your response as ‘I don’t’, compared with ‘I can’t’, has been shown to be a more effective way to refuse a request. ‘I don’t’ transforms statements into an active choice, such as ‘I don’t eat meat’, or ‘I don’t do work tasks on the weekend’. Compare that framing with ‘I can’t eat meat’ or ‘I can’t do that assignment this weekend’, which convey less agency. 当你准备好说“不”时，请具体说明你的语言。事实证明，与“我不能”相比，用“我不”来回答是拒绝请求的更有效方法。 “我不”将陈述转化为主动选择，例如“我不吃肉”或“我周末不做工作任务”。将该框架与“我不能吃肉”或“我这个周末不能做那个作业”进行比较，后者传达的代理较少。 This isn’t because success or being true to yourself means isolating or not caring for others. But saying yes to everything and everyone doesn’t provide enough space for what you truly care about – whether that’s other people, hobbies, work, leisure or family. We all have to do things for others that we don’t want to at times, but the constant pressure to please for the sake of pleasing will end up crowding out your connection to what you really value. 这并不是因为成功或忠于自己就意味着孤立或不关心他人。但对所有事情、每个人都说“是”并不能为你真正关心的事情提供足够的空间——无论是其他人、爱好、工作、休闲还是家庭。我们有时都必须为别人做一些我们不想做的事情，但为了取悦他人而不断施加的压力最终会挤占你与真正有价值的事物的联系。